RELATIONSHIPS ARE MIRRORS
The relationship we have with our Self is the foundation for every other relationship we have in our lives. If we want to have the love and relationship we desire, we must first cultivate what we want in another, within. This requires us to meet ourselves deeper and discover the parts of ourselves we have neglected and been disconnected from.
read my full story below... my journey home.
"The love you dream of is on the other side of deepening the connection to your SELF."
I speak proudly of my divorce because ultimately, I Chose Me. I left a 16 year marriage that I outgrew. I was married at 19 before I even knew who I was, what I wanted or what I needed in love. I didn't yet have much expectation for how I wanted to be treated other than to provide for me, as I stayed home to take care of our babies. I saw my mom and dad and thought that was what love looked like.
As time went on, I craved to be met in the depths of my soul. I didn't even know that looked like but I knew what I had, wasn't it. I felt like too much. I wished I was simpler. That I wasn't so complicated so I didn't have to break my beautiful family up. I hoped that I was the broken one so I could fix myself and make the feelings I had all go away.
My ex was a traditional, Italian husband with old school values. He was a hands-on father and an all around "nice guy." He sacrificed himself to be who he thought I wanted him to be. I craved a partner with a vision for his own life and our life. I was tired of leading. I didn't want to be fixed or saved anymore.
I wanted an equal partner that I loved, admired and desired. That was my best friend and someone I could continually grow with. Someone I could go deep with and share my deepest parts with, as he equally shared his. (My Venus is in Scorpio so if you know anything about astrology, surface level would never be enough for me.) Intimacy, honesty and depth is where my stimulation comes from.
For years, I couldn’t shake this nagging, empty feeling, which I now know was a messenger telling me I wasn’t where I was meant to be. Until I realized this, I blamed myself thinking I didn’t know how to be happy or there must be something wrong with me. I must be crazy because he was a "good guy," I insisted. I fought it for a while but the more I tried to fight it, the more I suffered in pain. The more I tried to hold on, the more my soul felt like it was dying.
My journey with my ex ended and the lessons I needed to learn were achieved. Our time was up. Simply put, my soul had an agenda.
Nicole's Story
I always heard people say that they stayed married “for the kids." They gave up on their dreams “for the kids." They gave up on finding deep, intimate love “for the kids." So I tried to do what everyone else did and stay “for the kids” to maintain the image society would deem acceptable.
I always heard people say that they stayed married “for the kids." They gave up on their dreams “for the kids." They gave up on finding deep, intimate love “for the kids." So I tried to do what everyone else did and stay “for the kids” to maintain the image society would deem acceptable.
Until the day came that I no longer gave a crap anymore about what society believed to be acceptable and finally followed my heart and let my soul be my guide. As scared as I was, I knew in my heart that I had to choose me. I wanted my kids to learn that there’s more to life than just status quo. I wanted them to always follow their heart and never settle out of fear. I wanted them to see what true love actually looked like. I knew they were watching me and my love would be the example that taught them what they deserved. I wanted them to know that life has infinite possibilities awaiting them. But first, I knew I had to prove it to myself and lead by example.
We all have free will so at any moment we can choose to take a different path. All too often, we ignore our inner voice and intuition because we would rather stay in comfort than risk it all to trust our inner voice. We fear being judged by friends and family or condemned through religion. We stay paralyzed in constant "I don't know" energy out of fear. Anything done from the energy of fear will only cause more pain and suffering. The stronger grasp I held because I was scared, the more wounded I became. I freed myself when I finally let go and walked with my fear. I became free of all the judgments, limitations, and expectations I put on myself.
Every time I would try to go back to sleep, Life would wake me up in different ways. It finally left me no choice but to walk away. The pain of staying the same finally became greater than my fear of change. I finally filed for a divorce after 16 years and stepped into my next timeline as a single mom with 3 kids on a journey to create the relationship, life, family and business I dreamed of, by first deepening my relationship with mySelf.
I set out on my very own "eat, pray, love" journey to learn how to love myself so that I could attract a partner that reflected that love back to me. My journey was about unbecoming everything that wasn’t me. I had no idea the me that I am today was hiding behind all the other ways of being that kept me safe in order to survive.
I thought because I made my outside "perfect" and worked out, did laser treatments on my skin, got extensions in my hair and got breast implants that dating would be easy. I thought THAT was going to get me the man I always wanted. Instead, I ended up consistently not feeling chosen and attracting one emotionally unavailable partner after another. This was my turning point. I realized that I was at the center of all of it. If the same patterns were being shown to me in the men I was attracting, then somehow it was within me.
This is when I reconnected with the inner little girl and all the long, lost, hidden parts of myself that I thought I outran. I began to meet myself deeper and heal my wounds, fears, beliefs and protections. I started to become emotionally available to myself for the first time in 35 years. Doing to inner work and finally feeling my emotions that were deep within led my dream partner, that is now my husband.
It didn't end there, though. Having the love I always wanted had its own set of challenges. I had to learn how to love. How to be all in. How to feel safe revealing all parts of me to him and sharing our truth, while always holding each other's heart. I had to meet my shadows and protections even deeper than ever before and understand them deeper.
In all of this work I did within to change my reality in love and my own love of my self, I left my teaching career on a whim and started my own business supporting other women in doing the same. The work I did in my relationship with my husband today has allowed us both to have a deeply intimate, conscious relationship. Each day is always filled with medicine and growth for the both of us as we continually learn and grow both together and separately.
It took time yet I realize that if I would’ve stayed married, I never would have found these hidden gems within myself and gifted them to my children. I learned what it means to truly love myself. And not like the fluffy, love and light kind of self-love. I mean a love for all parts of myself, shadows and rough edges and all. I allow myself to be who I am versus fighting against it now. My children won't settle in love and thank me for leading by example. They love their "Gary," my husband, their step-father. They thank him for treating their mom the way he does and showing them what they deserve. We all couldn't picture life any other way. We are a beautiful family of 6 today, including our little boy we have together, that is essentially being raised by 5 adults.
So yes, I proudly say that I am divorced. In saying this, I take pride in the fact that I allowed wounds to be opened. I welcomed the hurt to seep in. I stayed with the pain. I learned and continue to learn from the journey. I healed and transformed. I showed up for my life, my purpose, and my new marriage. I am more than a human. I am a soul living out a human experience. So in saying I am divorced and happily remarried with the man I dreamed of back then, I am proudly saying, “I Chose Me.”
I became the person that I wanted to attract to share the next part of my journey with.
What is the Biggest thing you have had to own within yourself?
my sensitivity & inability to be fake
What makes you want to hide?
when I feel sad or overwhelmed
the real work is in accepting yourself more so than "fixing" yourself
What is the most challenging fear you've had to overcome in your business?
fear of rejection or not being "wanted"
What is the most challenging thing you've had to overcome in love?
What advice would you give someone on their healing journey?:
being all in & not wanting to be saved
LET'S GET INTIMATE WITH NICOLE
TESTIMONIALS
"As a mentor to Nikki Amaturo for many years, I can truly say she is a rare find - An amazing, deeply integral human being.
It is so refreshing to come across someone with such a fierce and unwavering tenacity for getting to the core of her own self, her patterns and her unique themes, in order that she can be of the greatest service to all of the fortunate humans that she touches in this life.
I can highly recommend her as a coach & mentor, for those who are seeking to align themselves with the deepest truth of who they are.
Her authenticity makes her a beacon for those wishing to find the truth that resides inside."
Daniel Regan
Personal growth Consultant
I tell everyone I meet: my coach changed my life. Those are really the only words to describe what working with Nicole is like! We spent a total of 9 months together 1:1, and while I came to her first because I was ready to heal my love life, it led to so much more than that (although I do have an amazing husband and beautiful baby girl together now). The inner child and energetic embodiment work that we did together helped me so much in my coaching business in regards to realizing what I truly wanted to create… in my relationships with others and the way I listened to them and understood their perspectives… and in my relationship with myself, leading me to be more compassionate, loving and present. Even when she’d say things that would trigger me, it ALWAYS led to growth and I always ended up grateful. My time spent with Nicole was worth every penny and I cannot recommend working with her enough.
Lily nicole
Must Listens
EPISODE 001
Meet Jasmine. Jasmine learns how to understand what she's actually feeling so she can begin meeting her own desire to feel chosen before she puts it all on her partner.
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EPISODE 002
Nicole discusses how to allow yourself to be loved in all the shameful and imperfect parts so you can stop unconsciously pushing love away.
listen now
EPISODE 003
Meet Vanessa. Vanessa learns that the part that she exiled when she was 16 is actually the part that holds the key to her true magic, which will allow the love she dreams of to come in.
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LISTEN TO THE PODCAST
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from Nikki
Get to know Nikki.... intimately.
Nikki sends out channels of the heart. She shares what’s alive within her,
along with an inspired invitation to meet your own edges
to receive love and life more fully.
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